Sarili ay di maintindihan
Hindi ko malaman, ano ba ang dahilan
Ng pansatamantalang paghingi ko ng kalayaan
Minamahal kita, pero kelangan ko lang mag-isa

Wag mong isipin na hindi ka na mahal
Sarili ko’y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa ating dalawa

Wag ka sanang lumuha
Sana’y intindihin
Ito ang dapat nating gawin
Upang magkakilala pa
At malaman kung tayo
Ay para sa isa’t isa

Wag mong pigilin ang damdamin
Sa aking pagkawala, makahanap ka bigla ng iba
Ngunit pakakatandaan
Na mahal pa rin kita, pero kelangan ko lang mag-isa

People say mean things when they are hurt. Being away from the one you love the most surely pains us a lot. But why the sting? Why do people turn sour when they’re away from each other? Maybe it’s because of the distance itself. It’s hard to express love to someone who isn’t physically there, at least that’s how it goes for me. And when you could not overcome the barrier, you start to hate yourself, or hate the other person. In turn you could say really cruel things.

Why do you get hurt? Maybe it’s because you love that person to much and being incapable of reaching out, literally reaching out, to feel your loved one makes you a lonely person. And if you’ve become a lonely person already, you start to doubt.

A person in doubt cannot learn how to love. Because love is not love without trust. When two people are across a distance,  they start to ask questions like: “what’s he/she doing, where’s he/she, who’s he/she with.”

You pout your lips and wondered what wet wrong. You wonder if you had meant the unkind words you said. Yep, maybe you did.

Being in a relationship would yield you to be unselfish. You should not think only of yourself, you should be able to understand your partner well. And maybe even understand even before he/she starts explaining.  But when you refuse to (understand), and when you say compromising is out of the question, it’s no longer about “we” or “us”. It’s about the “I” in the relationship. And when you only focus on the “I”…

You shake your head. Yes, you’ve been so selfish these days. But then if you were to count…

A person cannot ask for something he/she cannot give. That’s a good motto when it comes to a relationship. If the person isn’t asking you to make sacrifices, don’t expect that person to make sacrifices for you either. But when you compare the things you are able to do, and the things the other person is incapable of doing, when you realize that the relationship is becoming a one-way street, you think again. You think more, you think deeply, wanting to find logic. But love has always been illogical for you.

As if your thoughts triggered your sad feelings, you let those tears out again. You try to stop, but the pain envelops you. Your whole body, your whole being. You wallow in the loneliness for a while, until you drown yourself in the pain.

It’s been a two-way street you thought. Just so happened that roads leading to him were wider, and roads leading to you were narrower. You complain about not getting enough. You forget that the things you give were freely given, and that they were not meant to be returned. If you had expressed your love in a greater way, it can be returned in the same amount or not. You used to be content, you tried to control the tears. But one can only be content for so long until one becomes insatiable again.

Greed- it is the desire to crowd into a moment all the enjoyment it could hold. It is an excessive desire, to keep on asking for more. Maybe that’s what you did, you ask more than what could be offered.

You frown. You ask him as if he’s in front of you, “Do you have anything to offer?” And then, you count. “I’ve given you so much, so freely. You take away almost everything and what do I get back?”

What do I get back?

You no longer felt the tears coming, but they did.
And outside, the rain begins.

Of course that’s just an exaggeration. Minus the hi-hello’s and the senseless thank you’s, the president did mention a few things of interest.

1) That in the next three years, funding will go to the following:

• investments in physical, intellectual, legal and security infrastructure to increase business confidence.
• investments in a stronger and wider social safety net
• investments in bringing peace to Mindanao; in crushing terrorism wherever it threatens regardless of ideology; and in putting a stop to human rights abuses whatever the excuse.

2) Super Regions – Mindanao, Central Philippines, North Luzon Agribusiness Quadrangle, Luzon Urban Beltway and the Cyber Corridor – to spread development away from an inequitable concentration in Metro Manila. (True, true.) Includes agribusiness, development of transportation, energy conservation and utilization.

3) On education, the budget was increased. Scholarships are given out, benefits are also given to teachers. Still, focus is on human capital formation. (But then I don’t really see the difference. Most Filipinos are miseducated.)

4) And she urged the congress to make more laws. Mentioned election reforms (I agree here, but doubtful as to what kind of reform it will be), hinted at anti-terror laws(which is rather scary), and mentioned (as if an afterthought) that the primary objective should be to liberate people from hunger and poverty.

5) That a president is always as strong as he/she can be. (After years of intrigue, deceit and well, let’s applaud the strengthening peso exchange, progress, I think she’ll be able to finish her term. Takes a lot of strength and will power to do that.)

But then, I still think the SONA was just a conversation over a cup of coffee. It didn’t contain anything interesting (for me), other than the key points I mentioned.  To think I waited a week to say I didn’t pick up anything relevant from the SONA.

Cause I’ve been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It’s your fault you didn’t shut the refrigerator
Maybe that’s the reason I’ve been acting so cold?

If I could escape & recreate a place that’s my own world
& I could be your favorite girl (forever),
Perfectly together, tell me boy now wouldn’t that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet(sorry boy), I know I’ve been a real bad girl (I’ll try to change)
I didn’t mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better, tell me boy wouldn’t that be sweet? (sweet escape)

Woohoo, Yeehoo (I want to get away, to our sweet escape)
Woohoo, Yeehoo (I want to get away, yeah)
Woohoo, Yeehoo

You held me down, I’m at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint
Come on let’s bounce, counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around, let’s look for some common ground
So baby, times get a little crazy
I’ve been gettin’ a little lazy, waitin’ on you to come save me
I can see that you’re angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don’t leave me, wanna take you with me

Woohoo, Yeehoo
Woohoo, Yeehoo (If I could escape)
Woohoo, Yeehoo (If I could escape)
Woohoo, Yeehoo

Woohoo, Yeehoo (I wanna get away, get away)

Grey clouds and blue feelings could be kissed away.

Thanks Raine, thanks JC.

Much to your chagrin your mother opens the door and enters your room, bellowing you to wake up. It’s 9 am. It’s already late, your mom claims. You zip your mouth, but you mumble, “I’m not a morning person.”

The whole day that started off with a smile just turned gray. But then the text message you got earlier made you happy. Happy enough to help with chores. You are never accustomed to do household chores, but for this day, you decide to do so.

As everybody knows, you know how to cook and clean the house. You pretty much do good at anything, but you only do it when it’s necessary. No, it’s not laziness you say to yourself, you just don’t want to hassle yourself with something some other people already do. In fact, if you clean the house, your mom will just start cleaning all over.

So you decide to help with the cooking. But while preparing for the ingredients, your mom bellows again, like a giant bell resounding over and over again. This time she talks about what a lousy person you are. You shut your ears, it’s something you’ve mastered to do. The task of frying fish is cheesecake for you, meaning it’s something you could do easily. You managed to fry the fish.. but then, since you’re really not in the mood, the fish sticks to the pan. You couldn’t care less. You were horrified (you could pretty much fry a fish so you wonder what went wrong), but then apathy crawled in. You don’t care, you’re not going to eat.

Meanwhile, your sister also gets a verbal beating when she tried to reheat last night’s dish. Mom takes over the cooking and continues with the sermons. Both of you shut up and (suprisingly) your sister went to her room and claimed she lost her appetite.

Before your day gets any cloudier, you went back to your cellphone. Sure enough another text message was waiting for you. You smile again. You’re thankful somebody appreciates you and manages to love you despite your imperfections. You reply back with an apology for being too stingy. A bad day’s a bad day, but you should let it get the best of you. You decide to let the bad day to pass. It will be over soon.

Of course at times, these sermons may have their own causes, as they eternally scream to our eardrums, it’s for our own good. But then, as a child, won’t you ever feel bloated from sermons? Parenting can be so hard, yes, but being the child can be triple the hassle. Why? Because everybody expects something from you. Add the fact that when you suffer too much sermons, your self-esteem goes down, and you feel, as you are called, worthless.

When you fail, it’s not how you’ve risen up during the fall that counts, it’s the time, money and other variables that were “wasted”. At least, that’s how it is with MY family.

I admit I really f* up during my early college days. Not that I was a certified failure. I was, but it was forgivable. Read: Mediocre. I wasted 3 years in a really good university, Read: University of the Philippines Manila (Yup I’m goddamn proud about it!), and I wasted a fine relationship (I’m not being bitter ’bout it..). I had nothing much back then, but everything was fine. Everything was acceptable. Sometimes I do agree with the statement “It isn’t the load that weighs you down, it’s how you carry it.” But then come to think of it, life isn’t just about variables of school, homework, duties and so on. Maturing also involves a lot of intellectual and emotional growth. I was a certified isip-bata (childlike when it comes to thinking, acting and deciding).

You’ll know the consequences of the things you do when you grow up (or when you mature enough). See, I do claim that f* up during my teen days was my own fault. Because I didn’t step up, because I didn’t amount to what I’m really worth.

When I decided to quit school, I said I could use some time to flee from it all. Free of all the responsibilities and mature roles tasked to a young person growing up, I rebelled a bit as I searched for who I am.

Most people never find the answer to their life’s purpose. I did while I was working in HSBC. Not that I regret having to waste lots of time and money (and so on) by not taking my academics seriously. I am to blame, yes. Because back then I did not value education. I was not grade conscious as I thought grades don’t really amount to anything. They DO. If you’re reading this and you’re still studying, then by all means please try to do well in your academics. While working, I understood that the things you learn counts, and how you perform also counts. So I decided to give school another shot, finding where and what I’d like to be and realizing the proper career I want (not what my parents want).

What makes it hard for me though is that my parents are really rubbing my failures hard. When I decided to go back under their wing, I resigned and decided to be a full-time student. And everyday the same sermon goes. “When will you ever finish college?“, “What are you worth?“, “You should be working now, look at your batchmates/cousins [insert anybody to compare to].” Yep, my mistakes bringing it up every now and then to remind me not to do it again is fine. But then doing the sermon everyday (as if you taped it) is really getting to my nerves.
If there’s one thing I learned in HSBC besides integrity and other professionalism attitudes, it’s about letting people grow and learn in their own pace. I mean, come on, you can’t force a baby to walk unless it could (and unless it wants to). A learning curve should be like that. You let people understand themselves better, and act as support. Support, something I never get from them. Minus the financial support though. I’m talking a person who’s in the process of learning should be given moral support. Something my parents lacked. Or maybe they do give it, but not in the way I expect them to do it. I mean, who’d like to consider a 30 minute sermon that dwells on the wrong things you did in the past to be moral support. Just when you feel like you’re doing good, talk about crushing your morals. Lol.

I do take up my academics seriously now. What makes me rant this much is that they don’t see it. They cloud their judgments with who they think I am instead of trying to understand who am I right now. I am changing. It just pains me that they could not see what I’m worth.

People are different. I may not be the ultimate role model daughter or student, but then I’m not a worthless piece of crap. I do amount to something and I’ll prove it to them. I’ll prove it to you. I failed, and I’m rising up from all my mistakes. All the filthy teenage rebellion worn off already, and I’m ready to take all of these head on. I couldn’t understand why being a parent is so hard. When all you have to do is accept your child for who he/she is, and understand what he/she had become. After all, a child’s learning foundation is the family, right? If something went haywire with the child something’s wrong with the parents, right? But then you could let the child learn from his/her own mistakes and applaud the effort for trying to behave, right?

Wrong. When you have parents like mine, efforts don’t count. They never do.

Fortune Magazine (Fortune), through the use of a survey, used eight key attributes of reputation with which chosen participants would grade the respective companies in different fields. As stated in the website, “Having fresh ideas and being green” were the qualities that distinguished this year’s winners.

Still, key attributes like Quality of management, Quality of products, and services, Financial soundness, Long-term investment and Use of corporate assets were taken into consideration.

Overall, these are the ten companies that topped their list:

1.) General Electronics (GE) – Also ranking number 1 in the Electronics industry, GE takes the lead in the overall ranking. Scoring (1-10, with 1 as the highest): Innovation 2; People Management 1; Use of corporate assets 1; Social Responsibility 1; Quality of Management 1; Financial Soundness 1; Long-term investment 1; Quality of Products and Services 1.

GE’s “Ecomagination” campaign helped prove it’s over all A1 characteristic. Ecomagination puts into practice GE’s belief that financial and environmental performance can work together to drive company growth, while taking on some of the world’s biggest challenges. It’s evident that GE has commitment to products and services that are as economically advantageous as they are ecologically sound.

2.) Starbucks – Also ranking first among Food Services Industry, Starbucks takes the second spot. Described with paying fair-market prices to Third World coffee farmers and developing sound growing practices, Starbucks scored: Innovation 1; People Management 1; Use of corporate assets 1; Social Responsibility 2; Quality of Management 1; Financial Soundness 2; Long-term investment 2; Quality of Products and Services 1.

Also focusing in its Corporate Social Responsibility, Starbucks place people before products. Their good relationships with (coffee) farmers yield the highest quality coffees. The connections the company make in different communities, embracing diversity as an essential component, create a loyal following.

3.) Toyota Motor- Raking third overall, Toyota scored: Innovation 2; People Management 2; Use of corporate assets 2; Social Responsibility 2; Quality of Management 2; Financial Soundness 2; Long-term investment 1; Quality of Products and Services 2.

With a long-term strategy of being green, Toyota has been promoting alternative fuels and hybrid engines to help promote a cleaner, greener environment. Toyota Motors appealed to people and made it through the top ten.

4.) Berkshire Hathaway – Took the fourth position and scored: Innovation 2; People Management 1; Use of corporate assets 1; Social Responsibility 1; Quality of Management 1; Financial Soundness 1; Long-term investment 1; Quality of Products and Services 2.

Ranking one in its industry, Insurance: Property and Casualty, [it was known that] Warren Buffet [of Berkshire Hathaway] coined the aphorism, “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.” It’s clear then that Berkshire had been taking real good care of their customers and the services they offer, after all, they are fixed to being among the top most admired companies. In addition to that, Buffet even gave $40 billion to charity, most of it going to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

5.) Southwest Airlines – Innovation 2; People Management 2; Use of corporate assets 2; Social Responsibility 2; Quality of Management 1; Financial Soundness 1; Long-term investment 2; Quality of Products and Services 2.

Despite the high oil prices, the company’s profit boomed 38% from last year, making it a very profitable airline carrier. They are able to deliver their services properly, despite the turbulent oil prices, and are able to maximize their profit.

6.) FedEx – Ranking first in the Industry of Delivery, FedEx scored: Innovation 1; People Management 1; Use of corporate assets 2; Social Responsibility 2; Quality of Management 1; Financial Soundness 2; Long-term investment 1; Quality of Products and Services 1.

It was known that when the hurricane Katrina devasted US in 2005, FedEx helped deliver relief goods and supplies, mostly without any charge. Even though it slipped from number 2 to number six this year, just that example would mean that FedEx does not take advantage of its customers. They play their own role as part of the community they belong to. No wonder they topped the list for the most admired for People Management.

7.) Apple – Changing their name from Apple Computer to Apple, the company did not only make a debut to the top ten list, but also ranked first in the key attribute of Innovation. Apple scored: Innovation 1; People Management 1; Use of corporate assets 2; Social Responsibility 6; Quality of Management 2; Financial Soundness 2; Long-term investment 2; Quality of Products and Services 1.

Apple has been a Computer brand. If you think about why they changed their name, it’s because now they take it up a notch by providing other products, upending industries from computers to music, and becoming the best retailer in America. Read: That’s innovation. Knowing what your customers need and being able to provide them. As Fortune said, “the typical Apple Store could be selling, in absolute terms, as much as a Best Buy, and with just a fraction of the selling price.”

8.) Google – Following Apple, Google ranked second in the key attribute of Innovation. Scored: Innovation 1; People Management 1; Use of corporate assets 2; Social Responsibility 1; Quality of Management 2; Financial Soundness 2; Long-term investment 4; Quality of Products and Services 3.

They took their stocks and funded Google.org, and jumped the traditional corporate foundation model in favor of something with fewer tax advantages but greater freedom to fund programs like for-profit entrepreneurship efforts in Africa. Its stocks [also] proved profitable, debuting the Nasdaq in April 2004 with stock priced at $85 a share, developing to $450 now.

9.) Johnson and Johnson – Ranked second in the industry of Pharmaceuticals, J&J has long been admored of its smart management and product quality. J&J scored: Innovation 6; People Management 2; Use of corporate assets 2; Social Responsibility 1; Quality of Management 2; Financial Soundness 1; Long-term investment 1; Quality of Products and Services 3.

They’ve been innovative by moving away from its dependence on the drug business and moving towards medical devices. Still even with the growth and development, J&J was not able to keep up and fell to the ninth position from number 6 last year.

10.) Procter and Gamble – Ranking first in its own industry, Household and Personal Products, P&G scored Innovation 1; People Management 1; Use of corporate assets 1; Social Responsibility 1; Quality of Management 1; Financial Soundness 1; Long-term investment 1; Quality of Products and Services 1.

P&G also marked its innovativeness by expanding the products it offers, and expanding its global reach to other countries. They are aimed at providing branded products and services of superior quality and value that improve the lives of the world’s consumers. They take into consideration that customers who are satisfied play a great role in their prosperity.

Note: This was submitted as a report on one of my major subjects.

You are spiritual and able to soar to great heights.
You are a true inspiration, and many people look to you for guidance.
And you are quite demanding in relationships… but you’re worth it.
People know that you will become even greater than you imagine.

Take the quiz!

And you are quite demanding in relationships… but you’re worth it.

O.O Sometimes I wonder if these surveys or questionnaires are half-truths.

Her name’s Ruby, known as Polgara in game (Ragnarok Online). In our forums, I met her because we are both chroniclers. Of course the relationship you could just point at even more RO and RO related stuff.

She maintains a regular diary, and in one of her posts she said:

“[...] As in the occult, having something that belonged to another person keeps you in contact with that person even after he/she is gone. The paranormal theory is that you can affect that person from afar if you have something of his/hers in your possession. [...]

It brings physical pain to delete a cel number or giveaway a gift, but it must be done. Purging is emotionally tumultous, but I am comforted with the thought that the pain will soon be over… when the time comes that I don’t remember anything. It’s like emptying the trashbin in your PC, or thinking of a vague dream that you had the night before. You know what you dreamed about and what you got rid of, but as the day wears on, it becomes less and less important. [...]” [Polgara's Diary]

Repeating what I said in that thread:

I just had to come back here and edit my post just to say this.
I was moved a little (ok, ok a lot) by what you said that keeping a “piece” of somebody close to you makes you feel that you have some sort of connection with them.

[...] Well, consider it odd or weird, but having a blog, and having my blog connected to other people’s blogs makes me feel connected to other people (call me nerdy, that emo-tech style. lolka.gif ). And somehow it felt strange and weird that some of the links don’t work anymore. A few close friends, and some acquaintances shouldn’t hurt a bit.

But it was like they totally abandoned me with saying, “hey, I’m moving out.”
It felt like I was being left alone. O.o Superficially of course.

Have you watched Merlin? (Yung old movie..) I could never, ever forget what the Lady of the Lake said: “If you are forgotten, you cease to exist.”

Maybe what I’m trying to say is that, it could also be the other way around.
Maybe we like giving out mementos because we wanna be remembered.

I could never forget Fairlane, an old guildmate, who passed down a fire swordmace to me. And small things like a witherless rose, a cute pet egg.. O.O
It just feels so.. dramatic.

Later on Polgara replied:

This statement is true for me. (Referring to the italicized words)
As true for me as that memorable quote in the movie Road Trip:

“If you don’t really remember it, it didn’t really happen”

Selective amnesia for me is a defense mechanism. It’s like burying an old memento in a corner of your house to let it rot. Tapos you throw it out someday unthinkingly just because you dont remember that it held any particular significance. You do it to never be reminded of something that hurt you.

We were on the same page, literally and figuratively.